


Pillaging, Plundering, and Layaway

by searchingwardrobes



Series: Shopping with the Captain [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Christmas Shopping, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Future Fic, Walmart, daddy killian, domestic humor, killian vs the modern world, layaway, mommy emma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 11:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8712250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searchingwardrobes/pseuds/searchingwardrobes
Summary: Emma and Killian go Christmas shopping at Walmart for their three kids. When Emma sees a toy for their youngest that she just can't pass up, they decide to use layaway. Chaos and hilarity ensue.A sequel of sorts to Tortures of Hell, With Lower Prices. But it can be read alone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> * I had another torturous experience at Walmart, so of course it inspired a fic! Emma mentioned wanting to introduce Killian to layaway at the end of the first story, so I thought it was perfect.  
> * I actually googled it, and the correct spelling of Walmart is NOT hyphenated. Oops! Who knew?

              The sight of Killian Jones pushing a wobbly cart down the aisle at Walmart was one Emma Swan Jones thought she would never see again after their back to school shopping fiasco. But then the Christmas toy circulars started coming in the mail and their three children had been pouring over them and circling what they wanted in bright marker. Storybrooke’s only toy store was small, over-priced, and carried few of the licensed toys. In years past, Emma had ordered all the gifts online, but she suddenly had the thought that it might be fun for her and Killian to go Christmas shopping for the kids together. And when Killian perused the circulars and found, once again, that Walmart’s prices were indeed the lowest, he had agreed to “brave once again the bowels of hell.” His words exactly.

              So here they were. But this time, they were wiser. They were here on a Wednesday while the kids were at school and daycare. Emma didn’t worry about taking the day off. Constant drama in Storybrooke meant she had banked plenty of vacation and sick days.

              “I’m surprised,” Killian commented, as Emma placed a bathtub Ariel doll that supposedly changed color when wet into the shopping cart, “this place isn’t so bad without frantic parents and screaming children.”

              “I’m sure it was like that last Friday,” Emma remarked with a laugh.

              Killian’s brow scrunched in that adorable way he had when discussing things about this realm that confused him, “Why anyone would venture out on a day dubbed _Black Friday_ is a mystery to me, Swan.”

              “Well, I don’t really get it either . . .” Emma trailed off and gasped at a toy displayed on the bottom shelf, a bright red sticker below it. She hauled it off the shelf and turned to show it off to her husband. “Killian, look! It’s the _Lion Guard_ playset! The one Ian went on and on about to Santa.”

The previous Saturday, there had been a Christmas carnival in downtown Storybrooke. Three year old Ian had held up the line to sit on Santa’s lap as he described the toy he wanted most, complete with hand gestures to describe its size. Killian frowned at the toy.

“I thought we decided it’s too expensive. We were going to get him the smaller one, remember?”

“But it’s on rollback, Killian!” Emma argued, pointing at the little red flag on the bottom shelf.

“What the hell does that mean?”               “It means it’s on sale. Look! It’s $58.95 at Toys R Us, but here it’s only $49.95!”

“You realize that’s basically fifty dollars, right, Swan?”

“But it’s still almost ten dollars cheaper!”

Emma could practically see Killian doing calculations in his head. He didn’t have to say it – the gift would put them over their Christmas budget. Emma never would have thought a pirate captain would make a budget and keep to it so strictly, but apparently pouring over financial ledgers was a part of piracy that pop culture overlooked. _But what about frittering away gold doubloons on rum and women?_ Emma had argued. _And then you end up months at sea with an empty larder, a half-starved crew, and you’ve got mutiny on your hands,_ Killian had countered. So Captain Hook was tight with the family budget. Who would have guessed?

“Does he really need that thing, Emma? I mean, look at; it’s three feet tall!”

“I know!” Emma squealed. “It’s practically as big as he is.”

Emma bounced on the balls of her feet. While Killian kept careful accounts of every penny spent, Emma had always been more of the “it only costs ten bucks, what’s the big deal?” sort of girl. Killian’s only soft spot was the kids and toys. It was Emma’s weakness too, honestly. She had very few toys as a child, and the ones she did have were donated and thus either used or from the discount store. Emma remembered knock-off Barbie dolls made of cheap plastic whose arms and legs would pop off an hour into Christmas morning. Or dollar store teddy bears whose seams popped after a week, spilling stuffing that felt more like sawdust anyway. And Santa never brought what she asked for. Killian’s childhood was even worse. He never owned a single toy. Ever. The thought made Emma want to cry.

              Their three children, on the other hand, had a toy room on the third floor of their blue house littered with toys. Not only were Emma and Killian trying to give their kids everything they didn’t have growing up, but their kids also had copious relatives and scores of friends who felt like relatives. Basically, the entire town showered them with gifts at every holiday and birthday. But no matter how many toys they had, Emma and Killian still loved giving them more.

              And was Emma exploiting this weakness? Hell yes.

              Killian sighed and bit his bottom lip. “I would say yes, Emma, you know I would. But we can’t. Not until your next paycheck. It’s just tight, you know? After buying all that food for Thanksgiving, and these toys we’re buying now. We just can’t.”

              Emma sighed and slid the toy back onto the bottom shelf. “You’re right.”

              Killian’s face was almost as tortured as it had been in the underworld as he scanned the shelf. “It’s the last one . . . “

              Suddenly, it hit Emma. She grabbed the toy again, hoisting it up and wrapping her arms around it. “Come on Killian, I wanted to introduce you to layaway anyway.” She marched down the aisle and glanced back at a confused Killian. “Well, come on, push the cart.”

              Killian shrugged. “As you wish.”

              *********************************************************************

              Emma explained the basic concept of layaway to Killian as they walked to the back of the large store. He offered to put the playset in the cart, but Emma for some illogical reason didn’t want to let go of it. She balanced it awkwardly against her stomach so she could read the description on the back.

              “This thing is so cool!” she told Killian, sounding like a kid herself. “It lights up and makes sounds. And look, you can throw this boulder at the little hyena, and Bunga can bungee jump off this ledge. Ooh, and the Kion figure can actually climb up the side of this thing! I mean, I’m not sure how, but Ian’s gonna love this!”

              “I know he will, Swan,” Killian agreed, warmth and understanding filling his voice.

              When they arrived at the layaway counter, Emma set the toy on the counter and splayed both hands across the box. “We’d like to put this on layaway, please,” she told the cashier, excitement lacing her voice.

              The cashier wasn’t exactly in the Christmas spirit as she scanned the toy’s barcode with bored detachment. The scanner made an angry beeping noise and the woman lifted tired eyes to Emma and Killian. “You need a minimum of $50 in merchandise to start a layaway account,” she droned as if she had said it a thousand times. And she probably had.

              “It’s $49.95,” Killian argued, his eyebrows arching in agitation.

              The lady just shrugged. “It’s policy.”

              Emma rolled her eyes and Killian threw his head back and groaned. “Here,” he growled, tossing the Disney princess Lego set they had picked out for Briar Rose onto the counter.

              The lady’s scanner made the angry beeping noise again. “Individual items must be a minimum of $20 to go on layaway.”

              Killian’s jaw clenched, and he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. The Lego set was $19.95. “Bloody hell,” he muttered.

              Emma lay a calming hand on his arm. “Hey! What about that board game we were looking at? The one all three of them played at Alexandria’s and loved so much? It was $20.”

              Killian snapped his fingers, “That’s right! Perfect!” He turned to the cashier, “I’ll be right back.”

              Emma grabbed the playset off the counter and went and sat on a bench nearby. She set the toy on her lap, even though it was a bit awkward. It was the last one in the store, and she wasn’t letting go of it. She also rested one foot on their cart, in case someone tried to nab that too. The fear of someone taking her toys away was a subconscious one from her childhood when possessions were never something she could keep for long.

              Time seemed to move like molasses while she waited for Killian. She thought about calling his cell phone twice, but refrained. The toy department was half way across the store from layaway, after all. A moment later, Killian jogged into view, board game in hand. They went to the counter to try again.

              Another angry beep. “I’m sorry, sir, this game is on clearance for $5.”

              “What!” Killian thundered. “The shelf was clearly marked $20!”

              “I’ll have someone re-shelve it for you,” the cashier offered, pulling the game towards her.

              “No!” Killian retorted, slamming his prosthetic hand on top of the box. When the woman jumped slightly, Emma’s lip twitched as she wondered what the woman would have done if he’d been wearing his hook. “If it’s that cheap, we’ll buy it.”

              Killian tossed the game into their cart, and turned to Emma in defeat. “I know what we can do!” she said, brightening. She turned towards the woman behind the counter. “We’ll be right back. I promise!”

              Emma finally consented to putting the playset in the cart. The cashier had offered for them to leave it at layaway, but Emma didn’t trust her. It was the last one on the shelf, and she wasn’t about to risk losing it. Emma led Killian to a rack of pajamas. They got the kids a new pair every year to open on Christmas Eve. They chose a pair for each child: Spiderman for Evan, Frozen for Briar Rose, and Paw Patrol for Ian. Each pair cost $21.95. Killian argued that was a lot for pajamas, but they needed _something_ to add to their layaway and they would need to buy these eventually anyhow. They headed back to Ms. Bored in layaway, setting the three sets of pajamas triumphantly on top of the playset.

              This time there was no beep necessary. “Clothing items cannot be put on layaway.”

              Emma held her breath, worried that this woman was about to get a taste of the notorious Captain Hook. She glanced sideways at his flashing eyes and clenching jaw. But rather than explode in anger, he turned and marched over to a display of DVDs two feet away from the layaway counter. He snatched one, marched back, and tossed it on the counter.

              “Here,” he growled.

              Emma held her breath as the woman scanned the DVD. Granted, it was a blu-ray combo pack, and they didn’t own a blu-ray player, but it was still a Barbie movie, which Briar Rose loved. They could put it in her stocking.

              This time, the scanner didn’t beep and Emma and Killian both let out a relieved breath. The lady took down their information, rung up the minimum payment, and handed them the receipt.

              “If you don’t want the DVD, you can take it off when you come to make your final payment,” she informed them as they took the receipt.

              Emma’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious?” she muttered.

              Killian, on the other hand, exploded. “Why the bloody hell didn’t you tell us that to begin with!”

              Emma grabbed him by the arm and dragged him away from the layaway counter. So much for redeeming Walmart.

              *******************************************************************

              Unfortunately, layaway meant Emma and Killian had to go _back_ to the “bowels of hell” to finish paying for the toy and take it home. Emma knew she had to sweeten the deal this time to get Killian to go with her, so she turned it into a date. At least, she tried. She got Mary Margaret and David to watch the kids, and added a romantic dinner out to the activities. Killian still grumbled that Walmart was the last place he wanted to go on a date, but he agreed to go with her.

              The night of their “date,” the weather turned bad. Icy rain was already pelting the ground when they dropped the kids off, and Mary Margaret warned them to be careful on the slick roads. David admonished them not to attempt the drive home if the temperatures dropped, assuring them that the kids would be fine with them overnight. By the time they parked in the massive store parking lot, the rain had become a downpour. They managed to get a spot close to the doors, but they were both still soaked by the time they raced inside. They both deposited their coats, which were dripping wet, into the shopping cart. Killian’s eyes grew wide and a saucy grin spread across his face as he looked Emma over. Confused, she looked down to see her cream-colored shirt soaked through and sticking to her chest. She glared at her husband as she crossed her arms over her breasts.

              “I’m glad you’re enjoying the view,” she chattered, shivering. The store was almost as cold as the outside. “C-can we buy me a new shirt?”

              “Come Swan,” Killian teased, his tongue darting out to swipe at his bottom lip, “you did promise me a fun date.”

              Emma rolled her eyes and smacked him in the chest. “Let me just change into a dry shirt so we can get our stuff and get out of here as fast as possible.”

              “I heartily agree. After you, m’lady.”

              Emma could never stay made at him for long, especially when he wrapped his arms around her to keep her warm until she could get a new shirt. Although he was as wet as she was. A sight she didn’t mind, actually. She had always rather liked wet Killian.

              “Okay, I’m dry,” Emma said ten minutes later as she stepped out of the ladies’ dressing room. She yanked the $12.95 tag off the side of her new shirt and stuffed it into her pocket. She hoped she wouldn’t forget to pay for it. “Let’s get to layaway and get the hell out of here.”

              “As you wish,” Killian quipped as he steered their cart towards the back of the store. He parked it right in front of the counter – behind which was not a single employee. “Hello!” Killian called, tapping his hand on the counter. “We need assistance.”

              Emma shoved the wet coats onto the rack underneath the cart to make room for the playset. “Where is everybody? It’s Christmas!” She stopped an employee who was walking past. “We need to pick up our layaway.”

              The young man – barely out of his teens – shrugged. “Not my department.” Then walked through a set of double doors into the employees’ area.

_“Well, the nerve of that little-“_

              “Killian,” Emma cut him off, “don’t start. We said we were going to make this as painless as possible, remember?”

              Killian crossed his arms over his chest and gave what Emma had affectionately begun to call his _brooding pirate face_. “My apologies, Swan, but this place has a way of draining a person of every last ounce of patience.”

              Finally, two employees came sauntering from the back, neither looking the least bit apologetic about making them wait.

              “We’re here to pick up our layaway,” Emma informed them, fishing the receipt out of her purse.

              The first employee, a middle aged woman, rang up Emma’s receipt. Her eyes grew large as she scanned their information. “Section 31,” she said to the other employee, a younger woman in her early twenties, “ _I’m_ not going out there in this rain.”

              “Well, I’m not either!” the other woman retorted. Then both women proceeded to . . . do nothing. They both just stood there.

              “Well someone bloody well better!” Killian thundered. Emma tried to lay a hand on his arm to calm him down, but he was too irate. “Seriously, Emma! Who is the captain of this sorry crew?”

              The two women shook their heads surreptitiously at each other. Emma was sure that was Walmart code for “here we go – another stressed Christmas shopper.” Another employee walked out of the double doors that Emma assumed led to the break room. “Hey Kyle,” the younger woman called out, “can you run out to section 31 for this layaway?”

              “Can’t,” he said, shaking his head, “but I’ll go get Robby.”

              The older of the two women continued ringing up the receipt. “That’ll be $48.50.”

              “Oh,” Emma explained, “about that. We decided we don’t want the DVD. They told us we could take that off.”

              “Oh, you can’t do that,” the woman explained, “because then you won’t have the minimum balance for layaway.”

              Killian didn’t need to get frustrated this time. Emma was plenty frustrated for them both. Her jeans were practically frozen to her legs, and she was not in the mood for this. Again.

              “But what does that matter?” she asked, squeezing her hands into fists as she struggled to control her voice. “I’m paying for the whole damn thing. You know, to take it home? But I don’t want the DVD!”

              The two women exchanged that glance again, and the older one sighed. “I’ll try.” She punched several keys, and that infernal angry beeping sound started again. “See, it’s telling me to void your whole account. Do you not want the playset?”

              Killian gripped Emma’s shoulders with his hands and massaged them soothingly. It was a good thing, too, because Emma was tempted to lunge across the counter and strangle the woman. “Yes, I want the playset. I just don’t want the DVD! We found out my daughter already has it.”

              The woman sighed. “Well, there’s nothing I can do. You can pay the whole amount then go to customer service for a refund.”

              Emma exchanged a glance with Killian who nodded. “Fine,” she muttered, pulling her debit card out of her purse. She paid, and then she and Killian sat down on a bench to wait for their merchandise. And waited. And waited. The rain pelted the store’s roof, lulling Emma until she rested her drowsy head on Killian’s shoulder.

              “If that playset is in anything but mint condition when it arrives, this sorry excuse for a store will rue the day they messed with my son’s Christmas,” Killian fumed. Emma almost laughed but bit it back when she realized that he was one hundred percent serious.

              Finally, after waiting for over half an hour, Bobby or Robby, or whatever the hell his name was, came out with the playset in hand. Emma grabbed it in relief, scanning it for any damages, and pressing the different buttons to make sure it still worked. Everything seemed in working order, and she beamed at Killian as she set the toy in the cart. Now that she’d seen it again, she was excited once more about Ian seeing it under the tree on Christmas morning.

              “Okay,” Emma said, rubbing her hands together, “let’s go to customer service and get our twenty bucks back. Then we’re out of here!”

              Customer service was, of course, on the complete opposite side of the store from layaway. When they got there, they had to wait for another twenty minutes while a woman argued with the cashier about two huge bags full of Christmas decorations she was trying to return. Not for the first time, Emma wondered why Walmart always had rows of registers but only one of them open. Finally – Finally! – they were being assisted by the cashier. Emma handed her the receipt, pointing out the $20 DVD they wanted refunded.

              “Where’s the DVD?”

              Emma looked back at Killian, her shoulders slumping. He sighed wearily and muttered _bloody hell_ under his breath. “They . . . uh . . . didn’t give it to us,” Emma explained sheepishly.

              “Well, I can’t ring it up without a SKU.”

              “Without a what?” Killian asked, but Emma was already hauling him away from customer service.

              “We have to walk all the way back to layaway,” Emma gritted out between clenched teeth, “to get the frickin’ DVD.”

              Halfway there, Killian grasped Emma’s elbow and turned her around gently, “Emma, love, maybe we should just forget it.”

              Emma huffed and crossed her arms. “But what’s the point of saving almost ten dollars on the playset if we spend twenty on a DVD we didn’t even get?”

              “Forget the budget, Swan, I just want to get out of here and have our date.”

              Emma’s jaw dropped. “Did I just hear Killian Jones say _forget the budget_? Maybe I should record this on my phone so I have proof for later.”

              Killian chuckled and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Emma sighed sadly as she looked up into his blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Killian. This has got to be the worst date in the history of the world.”

              Killian’s eyes took on a look of sinful mischief. “Oh, I don’t know,” he said, reaching over her shoulder and plucking something from the display behind her. “Remember that atrocious nightgown with the kittens you bought when we were here back to school shopping?”

              “Yes,” Emma replied, the corner of her mouth quirking up into a half-smile.

              “Well, perhaps you could save our evening by purchasing night wear once again.” He showed her the package he had snatched. “Smart and sexy,” he read aloud, “sounds just like you, Swan.”

              Emma looked at the lacy black bra and panty set, trimmed with red ribbon. She rolled her eyes. “How is lingerie smart?”

              “I have no clue,” he said as he perused the garments with an intent gaze, “but I’d be willing to find out.”

              Emma leaned against his chest, plucking the lingerie from his hand and looking them over. “Hmm . . . and these _are_ your favorite colors.” She tipped her face up and gave him a flirtatious smile.

              “You know, my love, as I look out at this rain, I don’t see it letting up. And I do believe the wind is a bit stronger. Not to mention the dropping temperatures. The former naval officer and pirate captain in me says that traveling back to Storybrooke tonight would be unwise.”

              “Is that so?” Emma asked, nodding in mock seriousness.

              Killian gave her that lopsided grin of his. “I believe I saw a place of lodging across the street,” he tipped his head and pouted a bit, “We really should find shelter there to wait out the storm.”

              “Oh?” Emma asked, placing a hand on his chest and peering up at him through fluttering lashes. “And what in the world would be do there all night?”

              Killian grinned then leaned forward to place a kiss behind one ear, and then the other. “A little pillaging . . . and then a little plundering.”

              A buzz of anticipation coursed through Emma. She threw her arms around Killian’s neck, the lingerie dangling from her fingertips. She pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.

              “I like the way you think, Captain.”

              Hours later, as they lay wrapped in each other’s arms while the icy rain lashed at the window of their hotel room, Killian decided shopping at Walmart wasn’t so bad after all.


End file.
